The day my Vagina died

I remember it distinctively. In fact the image never leaves me; it haunts me day and night. Every time I shut my eyes the sight is blinding and I feel my spine becoming paralysed. The excruciating pain is vivid memory I relive every second of every day. I ache as I witness innocence being stolen, tears thick as blood stain my face as I catch a glimpse of it evaporate in the distance. Surrounded by a sea of eyes I die! Corrupted inside, I can smell death on me; I know that I have expired. The Rotten stench coming from beneath consumes the tiny bit of oxygen that I have left. I am a walking cemetery, carrying with me graves of buried memories that never get revisited nor does anyone leave lilies or any light scented flowers. Surrounded by a sea of eyes I die!

The day my vagina died started like any other normal day but my reality is a nightmare, I’ll bring you into my world only if you promise to hold my hand. If at any point you want me to stop please just tell me…

I sat on a home-made hand crafted wooden stool, the seat used to be hard but now it is the most comfortable furniture in my complete household. The legs wobbly a little bit but I have become so used to the motion that it creates as it casually sends me to dreamland. I place my skinny elbows on the hard cemented windowsill lowering my chin on to my arms. I dream of being of a lawyer, I dream of being the voice of silence. I dream of defending those who have been sentenced to silence and have been cast away. I dream of justice. I hope to marry peace and live with freedom!

“Jemi….” I pulled away from the window and looked at what I call my reflection, my younger brother.

“Hey Jemaine” I pulled him closer to me and held onto him. He is my best friend, for a 12 year old he is almost taller than me. His frail body relaxed when I hugged him but something was wrong.

“Jemi, father is not back yet, I’m getting worried.”

“Don’t worry, he is probably on his way, maybe he is around the corner” I assured him all was well as he joined me and we stared at the distance at what appeared to be thick dark smoke tattooing the sky.

“BOYA BOYA BOYA AWA” My father interrupted our glaze of the dark grey smoke that was thickening and it appeared to be moving towards us. As I leaned out of the window I realised that mama Fifi’s house was on fire. That’s when all the screaming came through!

“JEMI! JEMAINE! SARA! BO YAAAA!!” My father screamed for my mother, brother and I to go to him! My father never raises his voice, nor does he ever express any form of anxiety. He is a big guy, 6’4, covered in pure dark chocolate skin. His trousers were stained with what looked like blood, “Papa…?” he knew what I was about to ask, his white shirt was drenched through and his muscular frame was becoming visible… “Ma Cherie…” tears rolled down his eyes, he grabbed my arm and I could feel him shaking. What’s going on I pondered to myself. Papa kissed my forehead, he was tired. I could smell fear on him. His grasped weakened and he turned and held my mother. They held onto one another and connected in a way that doesn’t even require a sound to seal their communication. My mother knew. She understood. Her tears added to the already soaked shirt, her silent cry broke all our hearts.

“Jemale est ou? Where is Jemale? Get her, take these two and run towards the market, don’t look back, don’t cry. Je vous aimerai toujours, I will always love you”. My mother ran to the bedroom to get my two year old sister who was sleeping.

My father held my brother and I’s hands, “Soyez courageux, soyez sages, be brave, be wise. Je t’aimerai toujours, I will always love you.” My brother and I were lost, no this can’t be happening to us. My father knelt down and took my brother’s hand, “Mon Fils, My son, soyez courageux, be brave, look after mama and your sisters for me ok? I will follow you guys soon, but in the meantime you’re the man! Don’t cry mon fils, Je t’aimerai toujours!!” My father and brother hugged it seemed as though time had stopped. My father looked up at me, “viens ici, come here, ma princess, you are my heart, make your dreams a reality. Keep your mum at peace for me!” My father got up, “Bon, bosala noki... Right hurry up and go, I’ll follow you guys soon!”

My mother had returned with Jemale, my father kissed her on the forehead and turned to my mother, “Ma femme, my wife, you are my heart, continuing beating for this family! Just know that there is none like you!” He kissed her and we were ready to run!

Jemaine opened the door. They were there. Uniformed and forming a body of barricades in front of our door. Clothed in evil and with the smile of the demons they looked ready to pounce.

“BO ZONGA! GO BACK! Where do you think you are going?” The one in front of the legion commanded my family. They pushed us back into the house. They bought in with them the smell of smoke, the smell of death.

“Pardon, monsieur, Please please, leave my family take me instead! ”My father rushed in front of us and pleaded on our behalf! My mother held onto Jemale and me so tightly I could feel her nails digging into my shoulders! She was scared! Jemaine was in front of me holding onto my father’s waist with one arm and forming a barrier of protection with the other arm to shield my mother and me.

“Eh tala Zoba oyo! Look at this fool”, all of a sudden a Russian PPSh-41 semi-automatic was pointed at my father’s head, “Patrick... noo” My mother screamed out!

The room became tensed! The father stared down the man who held the gun. He looked about 30 years old, but the lines on his face made him look even older, his eyes were a yellowish colour. He tilted his head left and right as if he was morphing to a creature. No one spoke. Silence. All that echoed in the back ground were sounds of our neighbours screaming and burning.

BANG! BANG! A gunshot awakened all of us. The screaming waves of the voices outside were nearing.

“NA SE, ON THE FLOOR!” The man commanded my father. My father stared him down. None of these guys could even match up to my father’s height. He stood firm!

“Bo zwa Ye, take him”. The man who was sending orders commissioned for them to take my father, two men grabbed him. One on each side and for the life in him, my dad swung round his arms and pushed the two men through their group causing at least 5 of them to drop.

“RUNNN!!” My father shouted at us, we jumped through and headed towards the door. BANG! Followed by two more gunshots. “Papaaa” My father was on his knees.

Two men grabbed me and dragged me back. I’m telling you I kicked, screamed and I even bit. I was silenced with a smacked across the face with a pistol. I could barely see. My vision became blurred. The silhouette of my mother was headed towards the floor. I was deafened. I couldn’t hear. Something warm, but salted rested on my lips and dripped into my mouth. Blood.

My right eye was bleeding and I couldn’t see from it. Jemale’s screams brought me back to reality. I struggled to move, I wanted to rush and grab her, and her cries were slicing through every single flesh in me. I looked around I could hear her but I couldn’t see her. Where is mum? Where is everyone? Three men were now pinning me down! With my head on the tiled floor, I look over on my left, past the man who was holding me down I saw Jemale. She was shaking as if she was having an epileptic fit. Her cry had dried up, all I could hear coming from her once sweet voice was a husky cry. As I struggled more and more to get to her, I realised what was happening. She was made to lie down on the living room table and one of the men had parted her legs wide open, probably tearing every muscle and tendon she has in her thighs. He inserted himself inside of her. She shrieked I watched as blood started pouring out of her. With every penetration her voice quietened, and the table shook less. I tried to rescue her, I tried to scream her name I told the man to stop, she is only two, but he laughed, he laughed at me, he just laughed.

Jemale stopped moving.

Her eyes were wide open and puffed up from her screams. I knew what had just happened. I knew.

Her blood began to travel on the floor towards us. She lay there silenced and destroyed. Two years old! The pain from the blood that was stinging my eyes couldn’t even amount to the pain of seeing my baby sister raped to death before me.…

My father was on his knees, held up by three men. They had been shot at his knees and ankles, he couldn’t stand nor move the lower part of this body. He was made to watch Jemale be torn apart about.

My mother had been knocked out on the floor with what looked like a thick dirty cloth or a thick unwashed handkerchief stuffed in her mouth. She lay there not moving. Two other men grabbed her by the ankles and dragged her on the tiled floor, now covered with Jemale and my father’s blood.

“Your wife is very beautiful, three kids and still looks no older than 25, wow! You’re a lucky guy.” The man who commissioned the orders taunted my dad. He knelt down and grabbed my mother’s thick jet black afro and tugged at it.

“Please... that is my wife...” My father cried, he sobbed I could see him weakening even more. More and more blood drained from him.

“Ha ha! You cried for your daughter I didn’t listen, what makes you think I care if you cry for your wife? Siaaa! Rubbish! Zuzu, take her do your business.”

“Sara... please ma femme, please that’s my wife!”

My father’s voice was weakening, even with his legs not working he put up a fight. Four men had to hold him. This Zuzu guy tore my mother’s blouse open, gently caressed her breast whilst staring at my father, teasing and mimicking him. With the little bit of strength she had, may mother reached out for Zuzu’s face and dug her nails deep into eyes and tugged into his eyelids. His blood trickled down her arms and leaving a disgusting trail on her body, she held on to it as he shouted and one of the other comrades came and stepped on her face. I saw her head hit the hard tiled floor and bounce back. The man who stepped on mama’s face took out a rusty army knife and slit her liputa (African wrap) in two. I saw her just lie there not moving. He too parted her legs and began penetrating. The force the man put into this penetration sent shockwaves to where I was being held down. My mother was being slapped across the face to wake up, three other men kneeled down surrounding her and started grabbing and tugging at her breast and nipples whilst one held her arms down and the other tugged at her hair. When the first guy had finished another replaced and forced his manhood into my mama. My father was forced to watch. Each time he shut his eyes he was punched in the stomach. A man stood behind him and grabbed his head tight so he couldn’t move it. I shut my eyes, I didn’t want to see anymore. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

After about Seven men, I think, or maybe more had had their way with my mother, Zuzu grabbed a knife and sliced my mother’s nipples off and shoved the knife up her vagina. She didn’t even move. She had bled out in front of her husband and her first born. Completely violated and desecrated.

The Man commissioning the orders stared at me, “This one is mine.” The three men carried me towards my father, whilst two other men tossed my mother’s body into the corner.

“Undo your trousers and touch your daughter” the man commanded my father.

“Jamais! NEVER!” My father managed to shout out.

“Do it or I’ll kill you!”

“Kill me, haven’t you killed me already? Go on kill me, but I will NEVER VIOLATE MY PRINCESS!” Dad managed to pant out, he was having trouble breathing.

“Papa, please” was all I could say. MY father stared at me, “ma Cherie, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…”

All I could hear was his sobbing when I felt it. It felt as though I was being torn in half.

“She is tight, pull her legs wider apart.” It was the man who commissioned the order he was right in front of me, right on top of me. I couldn’t scream the cloth that was once in my mother’s mouth, was now soaked in blood and placed in my mouth. My eyes were swelling up, I couldn’t breathe. It felt like a snake was eating at my stomach.

“Please Stop, she is only 14, please that’s my princess...” My father’s cries rose to no avail, in fact it encouraged him to continue to eat at me. My right eye still covered in blood, went blurry, followed by the left eye. Everything went black. I passed out.

An ungodly punch to the face awakened me; I barely could open my eyes. The silhouette before me had changed. It was another man. My vagina was soaked through in a mixture of innocent blood and semen. I felt life drain out of me. A pain the dictionary is yet to invent for me to describe, an adjective yet to be discovered in English grammar for me to use to explain. The same rifle that was once pointed and used to shoot at my father was used to thrust in me. The man rotated it in me tearing my flesh apart from the inside. My flesh hung on the tip of it as he pulled it out. He slapped the skin on my face.

Surrounded by a sea of eyes I died. My heartbeat was slowing down. I shut my eyes and I remembered just how last night, as a family we were playing cards and mum and Jemaine were cheating. Jemale was giggling in the background as she was revealing all of father’s cards.

I tried to fight, I tried to stay alive, the one eye that I could barely see from, I saw Jemaine, and He lay flat on his stomach by the door. He had been shot four times in his back. My reflection was now a mere corpse. I turned my face and tears rolled down my face.

“Princess, I’m sorry, Je t’aimerai toujours” my father breathed out as they dragged his body outside.

Six men lined up, each with a Russian PPSh-41 semi-automatic. Click. I shut my eyes. They all pulled the trigger.

That day there were only but a few survivors in my village.

The say African soil is red because it has been stained for centuries with the blood of millions.

This is not my story, but the story of many Congolese who are victims to this kind of a nightmare. Don’t take your life for granted, many don’t even have that chance to choose. Appreciate everything that you have.

To help us help those who are going through this ordeal inbox me 1perfectjem@gmail.com or follow me on twitter @Perfect_Jem for more info.

Thanks for reading!

Posted 12th April 2012 by Perfect Jem